Sudoko?

What in the fat is Sudoko? Where did it come from? Yeah, I know it's Japanesey, but I mean, one day, there's no sudoko anywhere, and today, it's everywhere! I still haven't conquered Freecell on my computer yet, or the New York Times Crossword puzzle, and now I have to put all those numbers in the appropriate squares, blocks, and finally, the "solution grid". I think the numbers all decode into 666 ultimately. so for every sudoko puzzle we solve, we get closer to Armegeddon, or the four horseman, or another Barbara Streisand farewell concert. Dear God, think of the carnage! I've tried to solve a few different sudokos, but it just took too stinkin' long. I got bored and gave up. As I have with this blog entry... peace out.

"I cherish these moments!"

Hey, remember those classic words from the movie, "Stand By Me"? those 4 kids were sitting around a campfire, smoking a few butts, and the chubby kid, (which would have been me, back in "the day") takes a hit, then dramatically says, "I cherish these moments", to which the other guys proceed to ride him till his wheels come off! Classic, classic. Anyway, I went to a men's retreat this weekend. But this was unlike any other retreat I've ever heard of. Mainly because I go to a great church, and after our evening meal and devotion, a few of us sat outside on the porch of the meeting room, and fired up a few stogies. My buddy, "D" had hooked me up with a 9 dollar cigar for my first time, and as the 6 or 7 of us sat around puffing away, we bonded over divorce stories, stories of lost loves and broken hearts, complained about work, and shared hopes and dreams for the future of our kids, and to some extent, ourselves. It was great, partly because we all knew that what is spoken at men's group stays at men's group, (except for my vague description here...)and maybe because for a little while we got to be kids again, without having to worry about our mom's coming around the side of the house to catch us smoking grapevines, or Lord forbid, real cigarettes! I forgot about needing to clean my kitchen, the weekly paperwork I blew off to get to the retreat on time, the extra time I needed to spend at the gym for the candy bar I ate, or the bills I need to pay. We just focused on "being", not "doing". I have some great friends in my men's group. Guys that don't judge others, but accept any who join in without question. They don't know it, but secretly, I want to be more like them. They accepted me at a time when I had very little to offer, and have supported my music over the last year or so. I hope I can be as good to them, as they have been to me.

Now boarding, cheap seat rows 35-698

I am a business traveler. Now, if I stop there, that first sentence could conjure up nice, worldly-wise images of a smartly-dressed executive stepping aboard a private jet to square a deal on a handshake with some far-away executive that only deals with me. But that's not the case. It's too boring to try to explain what I do, but the whole point of this posting is to talk about the Hotel room. I stay in pretty nice hotels, company-paid, and after I've done my time for the day, grabbed a bite to take back to the room, as I rarely dine out alone, grabbed an hour on the treadmill, and settled in for the night, the quietness of the world outside my room is huge and a little isolating, but not in a bad way. It's nice to be relieved of the list of things I need to do at home, nice to know someone's being paid to make up my bed, so I don't have to feel guilty about leaving it undone. I usually bring my guitar with me on the road, but haven't played it in a while. I just haven't been motivated lately.

"Tis better to have loved and lost..."

I watched "The Bridges Of Madison County" again tonight. Although the book was amazing from the first few pages, the movie had to grow on me. One of the greatest lines ever written was from "Bridges". As Richard turned to leave Francesca, he says, "a certainty like this only comes once in a lifetime". "The Notebook" was a little different. It was a phenomonal book, and great movie. I'll admit it, I wept bitterly during the reading of the notebook. It was just such a moving book, that I couldn't hold it in. I like chick flicks. I grew up with sisters, and a single mom who taught us to appreciate old movies, and so rather than experimenting with chemicals and booze in high school, I often lost myself in a book, or movie, and still do.

I had a rare, amazing day!

I have been working in Chattanooga this week. And because I finished work early, I was able to get back to my room, suit up, and get downtown for a great run, in a really beautiful city. Chattanooga, the city of no forgiveness. Nah, just kidding, I just wrote that to be really melodramatic. I did about 4 miles, in perfect weather across the bridge over the tennessee river. I made the 2 mile loop twice, ending up in the river view art district, where I grabbed a Latte from the Rembrandt coffee shop and wandered around by the bridge, the art museum, and the Tennessee Aquarium. I ran back to my car and grabbed my camera, took a few shots that I will be uploading soon, and then finished off my afternoon with a huge 1/2 pound burger from "Cheeburger, Cheeburger". The day was mine, and for a few hours this afternoon, it was all about me. I was livin' the dream.

I love Seattle!

Back in "the day", which for me was the early 80's, I spent some time in a volunteer organization, called "Agape Force". which, for a while was based in Lindale, tx. It moved it's operation to Tacoma, Washington, and I spent alot of time in Seattle while in this organization. It was during my trips to Seattle that I came to love the Pike's Place Market, an amazing open-air market situated spectacularly over the Puget Sound, and on the rare days that you can see Mt. Ranier, it is a magical place to lose yourself for hours on end. It was here at the market that I searched my soul for answers, and beseeched the heavens for understanding, and to be understood. In some small measure, I have received all three of these at some time or another, though never in the measure I have desired, but then again, enough that I would not sit back and pat my stomach and forget my appetite for understanding and purpose. I am in a hotel in Chattanooga, Tennessee tonight, and it is raining outside my window. But somehow the constant rain in Seattle is far different from the drizzle in other parts of the country. The rain in Seattle is as dependable as the sun rising and setting, it surrounds you, but doesn't overwhelm, it almost feels like it can wash away the sins that we hide in our hearts, the grave secrets that we vow we'll never tell a soul. It doesn't beat you down, it doesn't drive against you, and it doesn't chill you to the bone. walking through Seattle is very much like the beautiful snowglobes my daughter collects to sit on the top shelf of the bookcase in the corner of our livingroom. Seattle for me is like the American Express card commercials on TV. It is where my heart wanders when I am lonely. It is where I fantasize about living with my Chi-mate, and growing old welcoming each morning with coffee and a smile from the one I love. And the little nook of a corner of the sidewalk with the wrought iron rail that is almost secretly positioned between the used bookstore and the coffee shop with the old dark wood floors and walls, that overlooks the water and has not been blocked by new buildings. That is the place in the world that I have felt the closest to God, in 1983, and then again the last two times I've visited in 2003, 20 years later.

I wish Cotton was a monkey.

I have been in an odd place lately. And I guess it's not really lately, it's really been most of my adult life. If I could sum it up in a few lines it would be that I am: "Ever glimpsing, never seeing. Ever reaching, never grasping. Ever listening, never hearing." I want to be more than I am, inside. There was a time, long ago, when I enjoyed a certain level of self-righteousness. And as ugly as that is to God, it was a comfortable cloak that protected me from lots of potential hurt. But then, as life would have it, one ugly divorce, one pathetically broken heart, and many, many, poor choices later, I have no righteousness of my own to cling to. I'd like to be curled up on the couch with my chi-mate, dozing, just being, not doing. But I don't really want to go to the effort to find her right now, or to keep her. Maybe I would feel differently if I met "the one", but my last one left me just emptied out. Now, I don't want to make this about a girl, it's really more about the inside of me part. I want to be wise, I want to be upright, I want to be full, and satisfied in my soul. But I don't really think I'll ever find that place. But I'm not unhappy. In fact, I'm in the best place I've ever been. I live a simple life, and have a wonderful daughter, and job, church, and friends. But I want to feel fuller inside. Iwant to feel like my worship is accepted, even desired. I want to feel like I have something different to offer God.

Custody battles are hell.

I had a best friend once. We were in a band together, traveled together, and our wives were best friends, so we got to hang out alot. We laughed at the craziest things, and he was always the straight man for me when we were in a crowd. Unfortunately I lost him in the divorce settlement, she got custody of the best friend. I'll bet he misses me.

You are Wonderful!

I"m a single Dad, with a single daughter. She is 8 yrs old, and amazing. As often as possible, when I haven't seen her in a few days, I will stop whatever we are doing, and ask her: "Abi, since the last time I saw you, has anyone told you how wonderful you are?" She will scrunch up her face, as though in heavy thought, and after a sweet moment she will reply: "no, I don't think so." To which I will respond with: "That's a shame, cause I think you're wonderful!" She will say: "Thank you Daddy." And we will resume whatever activity we interrupted to bring you this important message. Psssst. Hey, when's the last time someone told you, you were wonderful? If you can read this bumper sticker, you probably are!

Is it live, or Memorex?

I'm not sure I believe in Soulmates, not anymore anyway. I used to, but 6 years and one broken heart later, I'm just not so sure anymore. I believe in love at first sight, and I believe in chemistry, but not so sure about soulmates anymore. I think I've come up with a new category. "Chi-mates" no, not like a "chia-pet", a "Chi-mate". As in, "Tai-chi", or the "energy within" which is a loose definition of Chi. "Energy-mates", how bout' that? I think calling someone a soulmate puts too much pressure on that person's soul. Sometimes soulmates don't work out. Does that mean they weren't soulmates after all? An amazing guy I know named Winkey Pratney once said that everyone has the potential to be attracted to somewhere around 250,000 people in the world, that's a a lot of potential Chi out there. I want to improve my Chi rating, so as to attract other high rated chi-ers. I wonder if I know my chi-mate? Have I met her? Who knows? But I'll be ready just in case... ps. I'm having a strange craving for cheese now, sharp cheddar, can't imagine why.

You are getting verrrrryyyyyy sleeeepyyyyy...

I want to go to sleep. It's 11:21pm, and I need to get up at 4:30am to get to the gym by 5am. to get to the men's breakfast at church by 6:30, to get to my first stop for work by 8am, to get to my 2nd, 3rd, and 4th stops on time, to get to my daughter by 4pm for our weekend. I really want to be sleeping right now, but it's just not gonna happen. Oh, I could try, I'd lay there, or lie there, as the case may be, but I'd just overthink my life, get up, noodle around on my guitar, that's what musicians call it when they are just playin' around on their instrument, "noodling", overthink my life some more, fantasize about winning the lottery, selling millions of CD's, overthink some more, probably think some bitter thoughts about my ex-girlfriend and the guy she cheated on me with, try to sleep, try to find a spongebob to watch on Nickelodeon, you know, regular stuff, but no sleeping, it's just not in the cards. Say goodnight Gracie...

The BEST part of my life!

I have my daughter Abi with me tonight. She turned 8 in November, and this is our night together until this weekend. She is the most amazing human I have ever known, and the most rewarding aspect of life I've ever experienced. I've loved and lost, and I've made some stupid decisions in my life, but Abi, ever the "daddy's girl" is always there to encourage me, and remind me that I'm the greatest Daddy in the world. She's always happy to let me play my guitar, try out new songs on her, practice performing, and of course, always ready to hop up into my lap for video games. I love my Abi. You would too. Thanks for reading about my baby.